still determining where i:m gonna live.

i called my case manager to check to see if she got my email telling her that i wanted to tour BOTH apartments. she said she had and she was just waiting for the lady we spoke with last week to get back to her about when i can tour them. i have to be out of this apartment on the 31st this month.
then brian called me to ask if we should push the trip i originally had HOPED to go to new york on in may sometime back to june. he asked this because i haven:t figured out where i:m gonna be living but i told him that i was waiting til my case manager got back to me when i should schedule my tours of where i:m looking to live. we agreed that it might be better to go AFTER i figure out where i:m going to be coming back to after the trip. i figure that may be a better choice. i just need someone to help me to arrange to meet with people about housing in new york but i:m not really sure who to tell. i:ll hopefully think of a solution later.

new apartments tours.. feeling of confinement

i spoke to my case manager this morning (i think) and she told me that she spoke to the lady we met with last week about finding me a new apartment. i:m pretty sure they might be ics apartments and my case manager forwarded me the email with a virtual tour of the apartments and she asked which one i wanted to tour. BOTH of them are nice- however there:s stairs in the front to get in the entrances of both of the apartments but i could do stairs just as long as there:s rails (my case manager said there ARE rails to BOTH of the apartments- so i should be okay with going in and out of the apartments). my case manager said that the apartments are in either west st. paul or west minneapolis.. st. paul sounds more correct now that i think about it but it might be minneapolis. i couldn:t decide on which one of the apartments that i wanted to tour- so i just told my case manager that i wanted to tour both, so i:d have more options i suppose.
THEN.. my mom decided to call me.. i didn:t answer the phone because she calls ALL the time and i kinda feel like i am what my grandma was to her- a person she could call whenever she:s bored and complain about things which i do NOT want to be. i told my psychologist that i was dropping all negativity starting this year and my mom just calling to complain about things is negative. the ONLY reason why i actually answered the phone is because on the voice mail she left me- she CLAIMED that she was calling because she was *worried about me*.. SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER TO BE *WORRIED* ABOUT ME. i:m not sure why the fuck she:s so clingy lately.. so i:m wondering if it:s not because something my stupid fat sister asks about me or my mom:s boyfriend says that she should call me (because for some reason i can picture him telling her that she should call me). i told her that she has ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to be *concerned* about me for and that i see views on my blog that i know are MORE THAN LIKELY from her EVERY day. my other friends who might be looking at my blog are smart enough to use browsers which don:t show up on my stats- so i KNOW it:s NOT them and they don:t really have any reasons or the free time to view my blog that often. i suppose it could ALWAYS be FAT AMY also but i don:t think she was on the phone (although i heard a shrilly annoying voice which resembled hers in the backround). that:s another major reason why i:m packing my bags- i feel too confined in this state. if i move and people still won:t give me my space- at least i:ll be somewhere else where there will ACTUALLY be things to do to keep me away from communicating/telling nosey, obsessive people how i:m doing.

STAY OUTTA MY LIFE IF YOU:RE NOT GONNA HELP ME GET TO WHERE *I* WANT.

i was thinking this morning while taking a shower, i don:t see why or how anyone expects me to have ANY desire to stay in this state/area. i was harassed (i don:t remember how many years ago this was- my grandma was still alive though because i remember telling her) by one of my grandma:s friend:s grandchildren (normally i would say *friend* because that:s what i THOUGHT we were to each other- but i guess not if she feels the need to write these kind of messages to me). she told me how she apparently *works for everything she has and doesn:t have things given to her*.. i:m not sure WHY she was writing these messages to me, i don:t remember saying anything to provoke them and i even took her to the metallica concert with me.. so if you ask me- i don:t think i did anything wrong. she:s taking the typical conservative position by feeling the need to criticize me for just trying to get by in this world and live my life as healthily and constructive as posssible. she obviously doesn:t know that in order to work a job to live in subsidized apartments- a person CANNOT LEGALLY work anything OTHER than a PART-TIME JOB and i really didn:t have a job coach a lot of the time i lived there- so i was trying to find myself jobs but it was more difficult because i didn:t have anyone to advocate for me to get a job or giving me information on everywhere i should apply to. she:s my grandma:s friend:s granddaughter and i told my grandma what she did to me assuming my grandma might have good advice on what to do and my grandma seemed frustrated with it, she said that she didn:t know what to do because her grandma was such a good friend to her. whenever i see that *friend* of mine who wrote this nasty facebook message to me now- i really try to avoid her as much as possible because i don:t have time for haters. so with all that said- this is just ANOTHER reason to move. unfriendly people in minnesota.. minnesota nice MY ASS. another stupid naive person may try to use the defense that i have family in minnesota and i shouldn:t leave them. THEY NEVER INTERACT OR COMMUNICATE WITH ME. STOP BEING A USELESS EXCUSE OF WHATEVER JOB YOU:RE SUPPOSED TO BE HOLDING. I HAVE MY OWN LIFE. so i:m expected to give up ALL my goals because of my unsupportive family members JUST because it:s easier and more convenient for everyone OTHER than ME? right okay. you:ll just see one very pissed off person for the rest of my life if that:s the way it:s going to be. don:t think i:ll do it? haha you obviously don:t know me as well as you think you do. this will probably lead to me being a risky unsafe individual since nobody gives a damn anyway. JUST SO I CAN STAY IN MY FAMILY:S COMFORT ZONE AND BE A NOBODY ALL MY FUCKIN LIFE TO SATISFY THEM. I CAN:T EVEN GET A DAMN JOB AND I:M NOT SURE I WANNA PURSUE MORE EDUCATION NOW BUT I DON:T REALLY KNOW OF ANY OTHER ALTERNATIVES. all of my relatives don:t give a damn about me like all my so-called *friends*, unless i take them to concerts or do something for them (with exception to joe- of course).

hair cut finally.

i just got back from the salon. she asked me how much i wanted cut off and i said that i didn:t want it too short and some layers. she ended up cutting about 4 inches off (so it doesn:t even look as short as it may sound.. yes, my hair was that long). then she just layered it up so it:d fit my face better. i should be a little cooler now since all that hair made me hot as hell. BUT chances are- it:ll just be back within about two weeks because my hair grows like WEEDS.

rekindle MY ASS.

i was talking to my psychologist i believe the previous session and she somehow got on the subject of how long i:ve been single and where i:d plan to meet guys. i said, *i don:t know.. i don:t really want to go on those lame dating websites and i don:t really get out now.* then she said, *yeah, you could look at a dating website.. just have to be careful about which one.* relationships are not really my priority now but i:ll probably end up a single old maid who talks to her DOGS (usually it:d be cats but considering i hate cats because they:re all PRICKS- it:ll have to be dogs instead). i don:t really care because people are gonna talk regardless because they don:t have anything BETTER to do with their lives. i:m definitely not going to some stupid outing by the damn courage center because they don:t help me with anything I want to be helped out with- so i:m not gonna help them out by giving them more mindless participants for their activities. i:m starting to think this may be a reason why tim:s mom wanted me to start going to church (so i could find a friend at church like tim found shelby..).. i:m really not looking for a significant other right now. it:s not my priority and i:m NOT getting so lonely that i decide to go back to one of my ex:s and put up with their shit. there:s a reason why they:re no longer my boyfriend and i:m not going to forget that- i don:t care how damn lonely people think i am. NO EXCEPTIONS.

it grows and it grows and it just grows..

i really need my haircut.. my hair just grows.. because i don:t really know what to do with it and usually, i:d just trim it myself (like i typically did when i lived in burnsville)- but i don:t really feel like doing that. you probably wouldn:t be able to tell if i did because it:s so long. so fredrick found a salon and i booked an appointment online for tomorrow. i could pull off a witch because i have such long, black hair. although- my hair grows so fast that you probably won:t be able to tell that i got a haircut for very long.
i:ve also decided to go back to summit even though i remember them not having a disability services which was as good as rasmussen but maybe it changed? i told my case manager to tell the voc. rehab. guy i wanted to work on getting back to summit- since he did say their company would pay for schooling or any other training a person might need to get a job. i forgot that i more than likely left my case manager two or three calls/emails about my plans but i suppose it:s better than forgetting completely to do it at all.

..you call yourself *PATRIOTIC*.. yeah, MY ASS.

fredrick just took me to the store and we got some eggs, pop, cranberry juice, and a whole bunch of other things. i just seen on my computer when i turned it on a news story on a browser that said, *trump maintains lead against biden.* if that fat piece of shit becomes president again- i WILL be moving to canada or if i want to do it faster- i just remembered my joint citizenship with mexico. my ex boyfriend doug was a huge grump supporter and i remember him FORCING me to watch that fat piece of shit give a speech when he was *president*.. NEVER AGAIN. one- i:m NEVER going back to his place AGAIN.. two- i:ll probably be in mexico or canada- so i won:t have to worry about that dick forcing me to watch his commander in queef. pieces of shit DO stick together. there should be a law against people holding presidency which comitted insurrections in the constitution SOMEWHERE. it:s disappointing to see that americans actually vote for an asshole who goes AGAINST EVERYTHING their relatives/ancestors fought so hard to protect. they need to reconsider their TRUE values. you oughta really be ashamed of yourselves. a whole string of my relatives on my mom:s side of the family served in the military- mostly navy i think. i have joint citizenship and EVEN i know better than to vote for some ass who is not qualified to be ANYTHING- ESPECIALLY NOT the fuckin president of a damn country. my living room wall is more qualified to be president than that asshole. i don:t even know if that assbag is qualified to be a garbage man.. probably not, even though that:s where he belongs- with what he:s full of.. oh yeah! he may be qualified to be a biffy cleaner/supplier. okay.. i just looked at the date and for a second i was worried that i need to be outta this apartment by the end of this month- then i remembered i have another month. i:m pretty sure that my case manager is gonna work with that person we just spoke to about another apartment- because i:m not really sure if that apartment in newport has an opening for an apartment by may 31.. unless she has another apartment that i:m forgetting in mind?

voc. rehab..

i:m strongly considering going back to summit to finish my medical admin. assistant diploma- on this advertisement, it says they have online options for the program. i think i was gonna register with them one other time but i decided not to because i wasn:t moved yet (i was still living at the burnsville shithole i think). so once my case manager gets the forms to the voc. rehab. guy- i think i:m gonna tell him that i want to get my med. admin. assistant diploma because he said the voc. rehab. program helps people pay for school and other training to get jobs. i:m pretty sure this is probably the route i wanna go even though one of the nurses who fills my anodyne machine told me that a person doesn:t need to go to college to be a med. admin. assistant but i have a feeling- knowing my luck- most employers will just look over my application if i:m not fully qualified for the job. it:s better to be safe than sorry. plus- it wouldn:t matter where i am- i could get my diploma. i remember bringing up how i plan to move to new york during an open-house info. session when i went a few years ago and started the program at summit and advisors there gave me the suggestion that i could always use an *online option* to get my MAA diploma. i was just gonna finish it at rasmussen because they seemed to have more disability services but i:m not sure if they have a complete online option. when i was going to summit at first- it was a half online and half in-class. i liked it back then because i had averial there to assist me with my things when i went to class- he:d help me pack up my laptop and books and people even thought he was my pca at first since he did it so willingly without any problems and when i really didn:t have to ask him. however- now there would be no averial because he:s already earned his medical admin. assistant diploma. i could do it by myself though.. would probably take longer but where there:s a will, there:s a way. i had hoped to just get a med. admin. assistant job without the diploma but i:m sure it:ll be more difficult seeing as i:ll have to attempt to get it without any real experience.

DON’T let her clingyness have ANY influence on helping me move.

my mom's clingyness shouldn't be a factor on whether or not i move to new york. she's not a dependable support- which is one of the reasons why my grandma was listed as my main contact while she was alive. she left that job in my cousin amanda's name when she died. the last time i went to the emergency room when i lived in burnsville, the nurse asked me if i wanted to call anyone, i don't know why i gave them my mom's number because she started bawling as soon as i told her that i was in the emergency room. crying about shit WON'T get me outta the emergency room. so needless to say- the next time i went to the emergency room when i woke up and i couldn't breathe- i never told the emergency room my mom's phone number. so much for support. she never comes to my place to see me because she doesn't like driving in the cities. i think that her and her boyfriend have been to my apartment in st. paul once. so don't get the idea that i'd lose support if i moved to new york. i tried having the nurses in the emergency room call amanda when i was in the emergency room a few times and they could never get ahold of her. IF you don't believe me- call st. paul's emergency room (methodist i think) and i'm sure they have notes about it.

DON:T try to be *clingy* just because you think it:s what:s EXPECTED of you. you:re JUST losing me.

alright.. i:ve been seeing a lot of views lately to my blog and i:m pretty sure they:re from my mom and her boyfriend. i:m not really sure why my mom all of a sudden has became clingy and is ACTING like she cares about what goes on with me.. she:s got TWO other children (my sister has a couple of kids- so she has grandchildren too).. she never used to be this damn nosey and she even tried to tell me that she didn:t think it was a good idea to move to new york a few weeks ago- AFTER i:ve taken SEVERAL trips to new york and worked on ny housing as much as i could for myself.. she ALL OF A SUDDEN acts like she:s concerned.. so i:m sure it:s either her nosey ass boyfriend or my fat ass sister trying to make her nervous about something she used to mind her business about (she used to tell me that she didn:t care about where i moved because it:s MY LIFE.. wtf happened to that thinking?). so i:m just telling my fat ass sister or my mom:s boyfriend who i:m sure are responsible for this new sense of clingyness my mom seems to have- you can:t stop me from going to where I want to live.. EVEN my grandma was aware of this- so DON:T waste your time trying. you:re just gonna hurt yourselves. reason why my grandma wanted me to wait for amanda to help me move (because she assumed amanda would be a helping, caring relative and help me to SAFELY move to new york because my grandma KNEW i might take unsafe risks to get where i want because of my history.. so my advice to amanda- JUST DO WHAT YOUR AUNT INTENDED FOR YOU TO SAFELY HELP ME DO.. I:M NOT WASTING ANY MORE FUCKING TIME IN THIS STATE). STUPID *CARE* TEAM MEMBERS (not all my care team members are stupid.. this just happened to be the stupid nurse filling my anodyne machine last week) ALWAYS TRY TO SAY *WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?* IN AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE THEIR JOBS EASIER SO THEY DON:T HAVE TO ASSIST ME IN MOVING- DO YOU IDIOTS HONESTLY THINK THAT I HAVEN:T HAD ENOUGH FUCKING TIME TO CONSIDER ALL OF THESE THINGS IN ALL OF THE TIME I:VE HAD TO THINK ABOUT IF THIS IS A WISE CHOICE/DECISION TO MAKE WHERE I WANNA LIVE?! IF YOU SELFISH PRICKS WOULD CONSIDER ANYONE BUT YOUR OWN INTERESTS- YOU MIGHT BE MORE ENCOURAGING FOR ME TO LIVE WHERE I WANT. my grandma never stipulated that it:d take this fucking long to move there. I:M NOT GONNA LOSE MY DESIRE TO LIVE THERE. USE YOUR FUCKING HEAD FOR ONCE.